Following on from my previous post – The quarter-life dilemma……
As time went on, I kept either not getting interviews at all, or attending them and coming in second, third, second etc., but never first. All the while, the situation at work was getting worse. I had come back to a new team with a number of people on board whose work styles did not gel well with me, tensions were high and morale was low. My job description had also changed dramatically, and I was feeling undervalued and unsure of what my place in the grand scheme of things really was. This all amounted to me feeling more and more worthless, and my self-confidence plummeted to an all-time low. As time went on I became more unhappy and continued to perform poorly at interview. The situation, my emotions and my spiralling mental state, all contributed to my poor interview performance, which in turn meant I couldn’t get myself out of my situation and fed the negative headspace I was in, and so I was stuck in this draining cycle.
I was working so so hard to get out of the hole I was in and change my situation. Writing job application after job application, going on interview after interview, and getting nowhere. I descended into new depths, rarely feeling happy but just passing through life in a numb, senseless state with nothing to look forward to and just feeling…blank. Crying a lot. Feeling hopeless a lot. I couldn’t enjoy anything. Family time became a chore, which made me feel guilty and sad. I hated my job, and I was hating being a parent (note: not hating my kids, hating being a parent – there’s a difference), I felt like I’d backed myself in to a corner. I started having to take time off work here and there, finding myself in tears in doctor’s offices. I wasn’t having proper, healthy sleep. I constantly felt EXHAUSTED in a way that I haven’t since I had glandular fever. In fact, the exhaustion was so deep, I wondered if I was suffering from glandular fever again. I was depressed, and I knew it in my bones. But I was also convinced that the cause of this suffering was simply not being able to find a new job, and my anxiety over that was slowly eating away at all the other parts of my life. If I could just somehow fix that, I could finally start to see the positive in life again.
At the time, our financial troubles also just happened to be at their worst. Mine and my husband’s relationship was straining in a way that it hadn’t before, and I wondered if we would survive the test. We started counselling to sift through what was going on with us, and outside of us, to try and find a way forward.
This all in the 18 months between mid-2015 and the end of 2016. To date, it has been the worst time of my life.
The story isn’t finished yet. I’ll be back soon with another post to finish it off.